Goodbye Summer Bliss

I’m writing! It feels good. As I wave goodbye to summer, I look back to what was. With every day and moment there is a fleeting history etched into the book of Browning.

We’ve had such a fun summer! Spanish camp! Pools! Camp outs! But I realize in every season that time is not enough and it's not meant to be! My kids started school at the end of August, ending with the birthday of our youngest daughter who turned five. Adios, sweet summer. I’ll hold on to the cozy feeling of the sun throughout the upcoming fall breeze.

On that note, here's some Browning history:

1.  Playdates. It’s gold in our house. This summer Olivia walked independently to her friend’s house. We organized playdates throughout summer. It gives her opportunities to foster friendships. I am proud of her independence. 

    

swim time with a friend

    

 2. Family dinner- it’s a big deal in our house. Everyone cooks, sets the table and invites friends. Picture a cozy feel with everyone around the table. Now let me paint a realistic picture for you. My youngest threw his cucumber at his sister’s head, while the other two fight over who sits where, sweet Olivia takes a bite of her food gets up to walk around and repeat. It’s not quiet. It's chaotic. In the midst of chaos, the best conversations stir our hearts to learn how to love deeper. I promise that our friends come back to dinner.

                        

A typical family dinner in Summer

3. Spanish camp. What a wild ride. I love my language and my kids. Let’s add more kids and teach them Spanish too. It was fun, eventful and my front closet is still recovering from the summer frenzy. Overall, I’d do this again.

                    

Farm Life in Spanish 

4. 4. Travel. I took three solo trips this summer. It is not the norm in our family. Thank you, husband. Your love is impeccable. The gift of refuel is a treasure.

            

Morelia, Michoacán, Mexico 

Montreal, Canada

Phoenix, Arizona 

5. Birthdays. My son turned ten and it feels like twenty-one. He loves nature, outdoor is his thing for celebrations. I am also reminded in July that my husband is younger than me. Thank you for making me cringe a little every year.

                

Birthday party at the Lakehouse 

    

6. Foster Care. My youngest met his biological siblings this summer. He's two and has no idea of the significance yet. He will one day. For now, his siblings happily followed him around all over the park.

Our family also fostered a sweet boy who was returned home. Fostering can leave you with broken hearts. Our youngest daughter still asks for him. 

                            

Our foster son Theo (soon to be adopted!)

My youngest daughter with the child
we fostered temporarily 

Ok friends, it's time for me to go. I have diapers waiting for me.

 

Happy Fall!

 

 

Having More Kids? : Family Planning and the Gospel

I was having dinner with my husband, when he carefully said “what do you think about having another child?” 
At that point, I immediately questioned his sanity. I thought of my sweet Olivia. How hard life has been for her. How challenging life has been for all of us. I thought about her medical care. What if her health worsens? The risks flooded my mind. Having another kid just seemed like a horrible idea. We decided to take our time and pray. Through my relationship with Christ I was brought back to see His Word, His Purpose, and His Plan. Christ knew about my desire to have more children. He knew that I was scared. God knew my worries. I was afraid to admit that I wanted more children.
I feared society. What if this was the wrong choice? What would people say? Would they think I was irresponsible? Would they blame me if my third child would be born with a disability?
After some time, we decided to try for another child. A year later we found out we were expecting. I still doubted my decision. Many would see me pregnant and stare. “Her daughter doesn’t walk and yet she’s having another child?” Stares have a voice. They speak to the person receiving them. I wished throughout my pregnancy they'd go away. However, I kept going. One day a good friend invited my over for dinner. I began to babble my story about not being sure if this pregnancy was the right decision. She kindly replied and said “God allowed you to conceive Johannah. He answered your doubts don’t you think?” It was then that I was reminded that Christ is Sovereign over my womb. He continues to be in control, and He answered my prayer to have more children.

God says "Seek my will in all you do, and I will show you which path to take" - Proverbs 3:6

I decided to allow God to take the lead in my family planning. I brought Him to the center of my decision. I learned that my fears weren't about how many kids I want or when the timing is right or wrong. I was reminded that when we come to God with our doubts and fears, He is ready to direct our path. He wants us to trust him in all we do. Every family size is different unique and with a special purpose.

Welcome to the world baby. We are so happy to have you!

Happy Anniversary: A Shared Life Worth Living

Nine years ago a tall white guy walked into our small church in Chicago. I must admit, it was a little hard to pay attention to the sermon that day! A couple months later I mustered up the courage to invite you to play in our beach volleyball team. You said yes! I married that man five years ago.

Smoooooooth move Sandy. He fell for it.

I know neither one of us anticipated the journey God would bring to our lives. I've shared life's most difficult and joyous moments with you. I'm glad it's you that I get to share this with! You are incredible, patient, loving, caring, funny, and my number one cheerleader. And yes I know you would actually wear a cheerleading outfit for me. I adore you. I look forward to many more years together and thank God for the five wonderful years he's given me by your side.  Happy Anniversary Love! Here's a little flashback to the best day ever.

 

 

 

 

A Story Time of It's Own

I took Olivia to story time for the first time . My heart leaped with joy watching her play with the toys and sing along with the songs. She was so happy! I wish I could ignore my reality but I can’t. I feel compelled to write. In a room crowded with parents and infants, I’ve never felt so alone. As a special needs mom, I walk into situations like story time predisposed with certain vulnerabilities.

For starters, Olivia and I receive stares from parents, then their children stare too. It’s tough to interpret your stares when you don’t smile or say hi. I smile to distract you from staring at Olivia or whisper a “hi” under my breath hoping you’ll at least smile back. I get it, the curiosity. It’s probably the first time you see an infant who has Down Syndrome. I don’t think people mean to be rude. Many people freeze and simply don’t know what to do.

Here are a couple tips. If you are going to stare, say hi, smile, ask what her name is. Don’t stare and do nothing. If you see your children staring, invite your kids to say hi. If they have questions it’s a great time to talk to them about it. My heart broke for Olivia knowing that she is unaware of the stares. One day she will be aware of them. It crumbled me to know that she will wonder and ask “why do they keep looking at me?” I write this blog today for one reason alone. Hope. I hope that you will read this and spread the word of acceptance. I hope that you will teach your children about kids with Down Syndrome. I hope that you will choose to smile and say hi. I have hope in Christ, who perfectly created my baby, and He will strengthen her and remind her daily of His love.

Found A Lesson In An Unlikely Place: How a Dose of Down Syndrome Cured My Perception



 My sister and her best bud Austin 

I was invited by my sister to a high school dance show and decided to take Olivia with me. When I walked into the school I began to observe high school teen interaction. This is the high school in our district, so I pictured what life would look like for Olivia.

The show is getting ready to start. Lights are off. I’m holding O while she sleeps. Thoughts keep flowing through my mind and a burst of insecurities flooded my brain. “Will Olivia have friends?” “Will people pick on her?” I couldn’t stop thinking. The first song starts playing. The dancers are amazing; their performance is great and a flood of tears begins to fall down my face as I thought, “Olivia will never be able to dance like them." Immediately I’m flooded with more tears, feeling horrible about what I thought.

“How can I think this about my little girl?” I felt like the worst mother in the world. Here I am holding my little one while she sleeps, balling my eyes out at a high school dance show. Pathetic? No. Motherly? Absolutely. I’m glad the lights were off because I was a wreck. The second song begins to play. “Don’t cry, dry your eye, be proud…. this is what she wants…this is what she wants.” Those lyrics played over and over. As you can imagine, the flood of tears continues. “Who wrote this song? I thought.” If anyone glanced over to see me, I’m sure they’d think I was crazy!

Olivia’s life has crushed the idea of normal. Her life is a bulldozer making sure to leave nothing behind. The beauty is that knocking everything down allows something else to be rebuilt. That’s what a dose of Down syndrome has done to me. It’s rebuilt my mind and my expectation. It’s been a gut wrenching purification of what I think life should be.  How can a baby do this to a college graduate, a wife, and mom of two kids who thinks her life is under control? Olivia does it every day by how she lives. She lives like we all should…. simply to exist for today! Solely dependent on the will of God. She reminds me to live without wondering what’s next. Christ is in charge of her development, her health, and her accomplishments. It’s all a mystery to me, and yet God is able and willing to use her exactly how he created her to be!

Olivia gave me a new perspective to see the world without the cliché of follow your dreams, reach for the stars or you can do anything you want to.  People often feel crushed when the “dream” is not achieved.  If the dream is achieved, good! Glorify God with it! If life turns out different than how you saw it, it’s not worthless. Life is precious and every life with Christ has a purpose. I want Olivia’s direction, her dreams and her hopes to be placed with the One who created her and wrote the story of her life! I learned that it's not about reaching for the stars; rather it's reaching for the God who created them. I love the child that God gave me. I love her exactly how she is. 
One day Olivia will dance. And she will dance beautifully.

Olivia's Birth Story: Better than Good

"Would you like to hear her heart beat?"

“Sure!” 

I was counting down the weekly visits with my doctor. Hearing Olivia's heart beat gave me the extra push I needed to hold on. "Almost there," I kept repeating to myself. 

“ Bum bum………(long pause) bum bum…….. (long pause) bum bum……... "

My doctor and I stared at each other for what seemed to be a long time. “Okay...."says my doctor, "I know we both didn’t like the sound of that, I’ll be right back."

They hooked me up to a monitor to track her heart rate. When the doctor noticed no improvement, I was checked into emergency services. Here's a note for all of my prego friends, take someone with you on your final doctor's appointments. I was a mess at this point. I cried non-stop, but hopeful that O would be ok. The ultrasound revealed that I was losing fluid from my placenta. Olivia was in distress. I began to contract, and throughout the day my contractions only got stronger. I had to deliver her as soon as possible. Thankfully Wade was on his way to the hospital. I told him, "I don’t want you to freak out, but as soon as you arrive we are having a baby!’  He responds, “I’M OK I’M OK I’M OK I’M OK I’M OK.” Wade always has a way to make me laugh, even through a time like this. 

Olivia and I after delivery 10-15-15

Our first moments with her were precious. She had a soft cry, unlike the birth of her brother who screamed so loud! She was calm, and looked around and hung out with us. Our precious Olivia was here. Shortly after her birth they took her up to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit). She would need additional monitoring and care since she arrived early. The doctor came shortly after to meet with us. What she said next would completely alter everything we had anticipated about her birth. 

“We believe Olivia has features that indicate Down Syndrome. We’ll have to give her a Chromosome test for further confirmation.” 

Everything pretty much stopped at that point. Fear overwhelmed me, I cried a lot, especially the first night away from her. She had many complications in the beginning, and my fears for her health only got worse. 

We love Olivia. Our love didn’t change with her diagnosis. However, my fear of not knowing the future, or what her life would look like or how healthy she would be terrified me. I cried some more for a couple days.  

Early picture of O in the NICU

Olivia’s daily wins left us speechless. Little did I know that her feedings would go so well, or that her movements would be great. Our doctor had anticipated her stay at the hospital to be around 3 weeks to a month. We were headed home 2 1/2 weeks after her delivery! 

I'm aware that as she grows she will experience different needs. I don't know what those needs are at this point. What I do know is that God sees us and is with us and I trust Him and thank Him for her. 

Even though Olivia's birth was scary and difficult, I wouldn't change a single moment. Her delivery was better than good because it's great to have moments when God refines us, shows us his plan not ours. Through the tough times, I'm reminded of where my hope lies. I limited her from the beginning and every day she's proven me wrong. I had to learn that the broken heart was in me not her.

As for Olivia, I want her to know that she won’t go through any hardship alone. Mom and dad are here for you, always. Olivia's diagnosis doesn't define who she is. She's like any other baby. She hears our voice and knows who we are, she cuddles, eats, poops, and yells like a little diva when we take too long. We are so in love! 

Febrile Seizures: A Common Nightmare

It was a Tuesday afternoon, by the time I get out of work its pretty dark outside. I pick up Milo and meet up with Wade so we can head home together. For those who know my big baby, he’s pretty mellow, so quietness in the car is normal. I was blabbing to him about his day, driving the car with him and our new pup. I have the habit like any mom to glance at my rearview mirror and check up on him. Normally, I see my mopey baby, calm and waiting to see his dad.  For the most part, Milo has a blank stare on his face observing everything outside.  He makes me laugh because he doesn’t have too many facial expressions. So I glanced over at the mirror, and he looked really different.

I noticed his eyes rolled up. My first thought was “wow he learned a new funny face” I kept looking at him to see what he would do next . He was still…no movement….eyes rolled up. I stopped the car. I pulled into the parking lot of a bank and opened the back door. I screamed for help. By this time Milo had turned purple.  I was in disbelief. I began to unbuckle his car seat in hopes that he would react and be ok. It wasn’t the case. He began to foam, and it wouldn’t stop.  Three women pulled over to help me. It was difficult to concentrate on anything else except Milo.

Milo and the rubber ducky the nurse gave him

I held him upright padding his back to see if he would respond…nothing…no response. I didn’t think he was choking, but I still didn’t know what was wrong. I laid him on his back and began to lightly pump his chest. Again…. no response. He laid there on the concrete floor, cold, waiting for the paramedics. In that moment, I thought that he was dead. I thought I was losing my son. For what seemed an eternity for me was mostly likely only a couple of seconds. Suddenly, he woke up. He began to cry and the 911 responder told me to sit him upright…. and I did. Somehow during all of this the one of the ladies managed to call Wade, tell him where we were and that Milo was going to be ok.

Milo had experienced a Febrile Seizure. His temperature rose rapidly and his body couldn’t handle the change.  Believe it or not this is common in babies and toddlers because they can’t verbally express what is going on. I wish I would have known this day one of motherhood. A febrile seizure can happen for many reasons. 

I slept next to his crib that night, and the following night. I was terrified he’d have another seizure. During the next couple days it became difficult for me to pray. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was mad. I was mad at God because this happened. I asked a close friend to pray for me.  I thought of things like, “I do everything right to take care of him” This was the first time that I felt no control. There wasn’t a single thing I could have done to stop what happened. It broke me. I cried a lot. And cried some more.

After a couple days I finally opened my bible to 2 Corinthians 4:17. It read:

 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

So I cried some more. Actually a lot more. This verse brought me to repentance. This verse and many others reminded me that God never left me, that He is present when life falls apart. Although my faith was shaken, God held me. This didn’t come naturally. It took time and prayer. I’m grateful that this has shaped and strengthened my ability to be a faithful, God-loving momma to Milo.